I'm dedicating this post to all my fellow followers who struggle with ill health.
Being sick and totally reliant/dependant on others help is honestly quite soul destroying...especially if you've been fearlessly independent most of your life. constantly feeling like a burden, watching bits of yourself disappear...how can I ask anymore of you?
You slowly loose yourself into a world of frustration....a world you're trying so desperately to escape yet in order to be at peace, simultaneously accepting of it.
While others move on.....you stand still. Suspended in this frozen horizontal nightmare that never seems to go away....hopeful and patient that it will end, while again, simultaneously fearful it will never stop.
Your battle is not only the enemy, but also yourself. You yearn for the person you once where....grieving daily to see her, just once again....immersed in your own mind replaying happier healthier times, like a family movie you gather round to watch fondly.....for a short time it gives you a sense of security, knowing you'll get there again one day.....until the pain hits again and you remember how far away that girl really is.
There is always a choice of course....After all, the only limits in life are the ones we impose on ourselves...how I respond to my circumstances will depend on how difficult this journey is surely? It's so easy for others to remind us of this, without comprehension of how difficult it is to just keep breathing.
For me, there has to be a reason.....if there is no reason to this, then it was simply cruel....you have to find your purpose. Knowing I have helped others avoid this hell is enough for me, and my comfort on days like these.
I accept today as I am, knowing that tomorrow will be what ever it is meant to be....and so I breathe.
And continue another day
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